Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives

Season 1 Episode 1



NARRATOR: My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning’s paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there’s never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my family. 


MARY ALICE: Here we are. Waffles. 

NARRATOR: I performed my chores. 


NARRATOR: I completed my projects. 


NARRATOR: I ran my errands


NARRATOR: In truth, I spent the day as I spend every other day – quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection. 


NARRATOR: That’s why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used. 




NARRATOR: My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused; Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me 6 months before. 


MRS HUBER: (on the phone) It’s my neighbor. I think she’s been shot, there’s blood everywhere. Yes, you’ve got to send an ambulance. You’ve got to send one right now! 


NARRATOR: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But, only for a moment. 


NARRATOR: If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. 




NARRATOR: I was laid to rest on a Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in this situation, they brought food. 


NARRATOR: Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. 


NARRATOR: Of course, she didn’t cook much as she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didn’t have the time. 


NARRATOR: But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea. Why not quit your job? Kids do much better with stay at home mums; it was so much less stressful. 


NARRATOR: But this was not the case.



NARRATOR: In fact, Lynette’s life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast-food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if she stopped to think about it, but she couldn’t. She didn’t have the time. 


LYNETTE: Hey, hey, hey, hey! 


LYNETTE: Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it. 

PRESTON: But Mom! 

LYNETTE: No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am…(ポケットから折り畳んだ紙を取り出す)

PRESTON: What’s that? 

LYNETTE: Santa’s cell-phone number. 

PORTER: How’d you get that? 

LYNETTE: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. You willing to risk that? 

SCAVO kids: Uh-uh! (全員が激しく首を横に振る)



LYNETTE: Let’s get this over with




NARRATOR: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella. 


NARRATOR: Since her modelling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. 


NARRATOR: But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal. 



NARRATOR: Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler. 

CARLOS: If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. 

GABRIELLE: Why don’t I just pin the receipt to my chest? 

CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wife’s new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation.

GABRIELLE: There’s no way I can just work that in, Carlos.

CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield. 

GABRIELLE: I’m telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation

CARLOS: Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please? 

GABRIELLE: (sigh) Absolutely. Wouldn’t want them to think we’re not happy. 



NARRATOR: Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking. 


NARRATOR: And for making her own clothes. 


NARRATOR: And for doing her own gardening. 


NARRATOR: And for reupholstering her own furniture. 


NARRATOR: Yes, Bree’s many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family. 


BREE: Paul, Zachary. 

ZACH: Hello Mrs. Van De Kamp. 

PAUL: Bree, you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble. 


BREE: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red ribbon (赤いリボンがついたバスケットを高く掲げる) is filled with desserts for your guests. But the one with the blue ribbon (青いリボンがついたバスケットを掲げる) is just for you and Zachary. It’s got rolls, muffins, breakfast type things. 

PAUL: Thank you. 

BREE: Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you’re out of your minds with grief. 


PAUL: Yes, we are. 

BREE: Of course, I will need the baskets back once you’re done. 


PAUL: (驚いた様子で) Of course. 




NARRATOR: Susan Meyer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their new house. 

回想シーン: スーザンとカールがダイニングで幸せそうに笑っている。二人の間には赤ん坊のジュリーが座っている。

NARRATOR: It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl’s shirt. 


NARRATOR: She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary. 



NARRATOR: A year had passed since the divorce. Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking. 

JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill themselves? 

SUSAN: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think it’s the only way they can solve their problems. 

JULIE: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy. 

SUSAN: Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they’re totally different on the inside. 

JULIE: Oh you mean how Dad’s girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she’s a bitch. 

SUSAN: I don’t like that word, Julie. But yeah, that’s a great example. 



JULIE: Hey, what’s going on? 


SUSAN: Sorry I’m late. 





MARY ALICE: (スーザンに向かって) So? What did Carl say when you confronted him? 

SUSAN: You’ll love this, he said it doesn’t mean anything, it was just sex. 


BREE: Oh yes, page one of the philanderer’s handbook. 

SUSAN: Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation. 

LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched him.

SUSAN: No, I said, really? And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfilment? 

GABRIELLE: (眉をひそめる) Hmm. 

MARY ALICE: Good for you 

SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch.

GABRIELLE: It’s like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn’t have a conscience. 

LYNETTE: Even the limp ones aren’t that ethical 

BREE: This is half the reason I joined the NRA. (スーザンがブリーの方を見る) Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson. 

MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Tom’s always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..? 

LYNETTE: Oh, please, the man’s gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. 

BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman? 

SUSAN: I don’t know. (一度微笑んでから、急に泣き出す) I’m sorry you guys, I just… I just don’t know how I’m going to survive this. 

MARY ALICE: Listen to me. (自分の手をスーザンの手に重ね合わせる) We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face them head on, that’s how we find out just how strong we really are. 



BREE: Susan? Susan. (スーザンは現実に引き戻されたような表情) I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go through Mary Alice’s closet, and help pack up her things. He says he can’t face doing it by himself. 

SUSAN: Sure, that’s fine. 

BREE: Are you OK? 

SUSAN: Yeah. I’m just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us; she should have let us help her. 

GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could she have had? She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was…

LYNETTE: – … our life. 

GABRIELLE: No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we’d have known. She lives 50 feet away, for god’s sakes. 

SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must’ve been going on. 




SUSAN: Oh, I wouldn’t eat that if I were you. 

MIKE: Why?

SUSAN: I made it, trust me. (マイクがマカロニを刺したフォークを口に入れようとする) Hey, hey, do you have a death wish

MIKE: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese. 


MIKE: Oh my god. (顔をしかめる) How did you… it tastes like it’s burnt and undercooked. 

SUSAN: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go. 


MIKE: Thanks. I’m Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim’s house next door. 

SUSAN: Susan Meyer, I live across the street. 

MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children’s books

SUSAN: Yeah. I’m very big with the under 5 set. (マイクが笑う) What do you do? 

MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or something. 

SUSAN: Now that everybody’s seen that I’ve brought something, I should probably just throw this out. 


<ヤング家 キッチン>


LYNETTE: (赤ん坊に向かって) Ow! Ease up, you little vampire. 

MRS. HUBER: Lynette! I’ve been looking all over for you. 


MRS. HUBER: Are you aware of what your sons are doing? 




SCAVO kids: Stop. Arrrggggh. Hah! 


LYNETTE: What are you doing!? We are at a wake! 

PRESTON: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool. 

LYNETTE: (プールサイドにしゃがんで) I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?? 

PORTER: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left. 

LYNETTE: You three planned this?? Alright, that’s it. Get out! 


LYNETTE: No? I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on. 


PRESTON: We wanna swim and you can’t stop us. 


LYNETTE: (赤ん坊を近くにいる男性に預ける) Here. 


LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here. Get over here. Get back or I’ll kill you. 


LYNETTE: That’s right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out. 



LYNETTE: Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. (子供たちに向かって) Go! 


NARRATOR: Lynette shouldn’t have been so concerned about my husband.

He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface. 



NARRATOR: The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. Some did their cooking. 





NARRATOR: And some did their yoga. 



NARRATOR: Others did their homework. 







JULIE: I’m Julie, I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard. 

MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, let’s go round and get it. (犬に向かって) Stay. 



JULIE: (スーザンに向かって) His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories. He’s renting for tax purposes, but he’s hoping to buy a place real soon.

SUSAN: I can’t believe you went over there. 

JULIE: Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. You’re obviously into each other. Now that you know he’s single, you can ask him out. 

SUSAN: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. It’s just, I don’t know if I’m ready to start dating yet. 

JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you’ve had sex? (スーザンはイラストを描く手を止め、驚いた様子でジュリーの方を向く。) Are you mad that I asked you that? 

SUSAN: No, I’m just trying to remember. (イラストを描く作業に戻りながら) I don’t wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out

JULIE: I wouldn’t have said anything it’s just… 

SUSAN: (振り向いて) What? 

JULIE: I heard Dad’s girlfriend asking if you’d dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed. (スーザンは怒りで呆然とした様子でジュリーの方を見る)


MIKE: Hey, Susan. 

SUSAN: Hi Mike. I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably should’ve brought something by earlier, but… 

MIKE: Actually, you’re the first in the neighborhood to stop by

SUSAN: Really? Well, welcome. 

NARRATOR: Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels quickly. 

EDIE: (片手で皿を持って歩きながら手を振っている) Hello there! 

NARRATOR: Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her conquests were numerous… 


NARRATOR: …varied… 


NARRATOR: …and legendary. 




EDIE: Hi Susan, I hope I’m not interrupting. You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I’m Edie. Britt. I live over there (自分の家を指さす). Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

NARRATOR: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut. 

MIKE: Thank you, what’s this? 

EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca. It’s just something I threw together

MIKE: Thanks, Edie. That’s great. Uh, I’d invite you both in, but I was sorta in the middle of something.

SUSAN: Oh, I’m late for an appointment anyway. 

EDIE: Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi 

MIKE: Well, thanks. 


NARRATOR: And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly. 

EDIE: (振り返り) Oh, Mike. I heard you’re a… plumber? 

MIKE: Yeah. 

EDIE: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes? 

NARRATOR: But she was reminded that when it came to men? Women don’t fight fair. 

MIKE: Sure. 

EDIE: Thanks. Bye Susan.



GABRIELLE: You can’t order me around like I’m a child! 


CARLOS: Gabrielle… 

GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no, I’m not going. 

CARLOS: It’s business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives. 

GABRIELLE: Every time I’m around that man, he tries to grab my ass. 

CARLOS: (ガブリエルの肩に手を置く) I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. 


CARLOS: John! 

JOHN: (びっくりしてバラの棘を指に刺してしまう) Ow. (棘が刺さった指を抑えながらカルロスの方を向く) Mr. Solis. You scared me. 

CARLOS: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week. 

JOHN: I didn’t have time last week.

CARLOS: I don’t wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it. 


GABRIELLE: (カルロスに向かって) I really hate the way you talk to me. 

CARLOS: (ガブリエルの方に歩いていく) And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you couldn’t live without. But I’m learning to deal with it. (ジョンは棘が刺さった指を口に入れて二人の口論を見ている) So. Can I tell Tanaka we’ll be there tomorrow night? 

GABRIELLE: (ジョンの方を向く) John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen. 

JOHN: Thanks, Mrs. Solis. (カルロスとガブリエルの間を通って家の中に入る) 

GABRIELLE: (カルロスを冷たい目で見る) Fine. I’ll go. But I’m keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time. 

CARLOS: (後ろ向きに歩きながら) See? Now this is what a marriage is all about – compromise. (正面を向き車に向かって歩き出す) 

<ソリス家のキッチン> ジョンが指にバンドエイドを貼っている。ガブリエルが入ってきてジョンに近づく。 

GABRIELLE: Is your finger ok? 

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, it’s just a small cut. 

GABRIELLE: Let me see. (ジョンの手を取り、バンドエイドが貼られた指にキスする) Mmmm. (ジョンに抱きつきキスをする。ジョンがそれを止めて後ずさりする) 

JOHN: You know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up. (ガブリエルがゆっくりと服を脱ぎ始める) But, um, you know I gotta get my work done, I can’t afford to lose this job. (ジョンが息をのみ、ガブリエルの下着姿に目を奪われている) 

GABRIELLE: (テーブルを撫でながら) This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost it $23,000. 

JOHN: You wanna do it on the table this time?  

GABRIELLE: Absolutely. 




DANIELLE: Why can’t we ever have normal soup? 

BREE: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree. 

DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, French onion or navy bean…

BREE: First of all, your father can’t eat onions, he’s deadly allergic. (レックスが不機嫌そうにブリーを見る) And I won’t even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How’s the osso bucco? 

ANDREW: It’s OK. (ブリーが愕然とした表情でアンドリューを見つめる) 

BREE: It’s OK? Andrew, I spent 3 hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it’s OK, in that sullen tone

ANDREW: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner? (レックスが噛むのをやめてアンドリューを見る。ダニエルはブリーの方を見る) 

BREE: Excuse me? 

ANDREW: Tim Harper’s mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they’re eating, everyone’s happy. 

BREE: You’d rather I serve pork and beans? 

DANIELLE: (アンドリューに向かって、焦ったように) Apologize now, I am begging. 

ANDREW: I’m just saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can’t we ever just have food? 

BREE: Are you doing drugs? 

ANDREW: What!? 

BREE: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last 6 months. That certainly would explain why you’re always locked in the bathroom

DANIELLE: (含み笑いをしながら) Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

ANDREW: (ダニエルに向かって) Shut up. (レックスが気まずそうな顔をする。ブリーがレックスの方を見てからアンドリューに視線を戻す) Mom, I’m not the one with the problem here, alright? You’re the one always acting like she’s running for mayor of Stepford

BREE: (レックスの方を見る) Rex. Seeing as you’re the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something. 

REX: (しばし沈黙の後) Pass the salt? 



NARRATOR: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion – indignation. 


LYNETTE: (電話に向かって) Tom, this is my 5th message and you still haven’t called me back. Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I wanna have some fun too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you. 


LYNETTE: (パーカーをチラッと見てから背中を向ける) Not now, honey, Mommy’s threatening Daddy.


LYNETTE: (振り返る) No, I am not… (双子がいないことに気づく) Where’re your brothers?



PORTER: Noodles, my favorite! 


SHOPPER: Lynette Scavo? 

LYNETTE: Crap. (作り笑顔で) Natalie Klein, I don’t believe it! 

SHOPPER: Lynette! How long has it been?

LYNETTE: Years! Uh, how are you, how’s the firm?

SHOPPER: Good, everyone misses you.


SHOPPER: We all say, if you hadn’t quit, you’d be running the place by now. 

LYNETTE: Yeah, well. (気まずそうに笑って下を向く) 

SHOPPER: So… how’s domestic life? Don’t you just love being a mom? 

NARRATOR: And there it was – the question that Lynette always dreaded

LYNETTE: (戸惑いながら) Well, to be honest… 

NARRATOR: To those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So, Lynette responded as she always did – she lied. 

LYNETTE: It’s the best job I’ve ever had. (精一杯の作り笑顔) 




JOHN: You know what I don’t get? 


JOHN: Why you married Mr. Solis. 


GABRIELLE: Well, he promised to give me everything I’ve ever wanted. 

JOHN: Well, did he? 


JOHN: Then… why aren’t you happy? 

GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things. 

JOHN: So. Do you love him? 


JOHN: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this? 

GABRIELLE: Because I don’t wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out. (ジョンにキスをして、さらにタバコを吸い込む) 

JOHN: Hey, can I have a drag? 

GABRIELLE: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke. (もう一度ジョンにキスする) 



SUSAN: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery? 

JULIE: Stop being so nervous, you’re just asking him out to dinner. It’s no big deal. 

SUSAN: You’re right. So, is that your project for school? You know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes. 

JULIE: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better. 

SUSAN: Tell me again why I fought for custody of you? 

JULIE: You were using me to hurt Dad. 

SUSAN: Oh, that’s right. 


SUSAN: Oh god. 


スーザンがマイクの玄関前ポーチの階段を駆け上がる。 ドアベルを鳴らすとマイクがドアを開ける。 


MIKE: Hey, Susan.

SUSAN: Are you busy? 

MIKE: No, not at all, what’s up? 

SUSAN: Well, I., I just was wondering, if, um, if there was any chance that, um, you would uh… I just… wanted to ask if… 


SUSAN: (驚いた顔でイーディを見つめながら) Edie. What are you…? 

EDIE: I was making ambrosia, and I made too much so I thought I’d bring some over to Mike. What’s going on? 

MIKE: Uh, Susan was just about to ask me something. 

SUSAN: Uh… I have a clog. 

MIKE: Excuse me? 

SUSAN: And you’re a plumber. Right? 

MIKE: Yeah.

SUSAN: The clog’s in the pipe. 

MIKE: Yeah, that’s usually where they are. 

SUSAN: Well, I’ve got one. 

MIKE: Well, let me get my tools. 

SUSAN: Now? You wanna come over now? Y-you have company

EDIE: I don’t mind.  

MIKE: Just give me 2 minutes. I’ll be right over. 




SUSAN: That’s it, just stuff the hair down.

JULIE: I stuffed it; it’s not enough to clog it. 

SUSAN: Here, here, look. Put in this peanut butter. And this cooking oil. (カウンター上にあるオリーブの瓶を掴む) And these olives! 

JULIE: Mom, Mom I’m telling you it’s not working. 


SUSAN: Uh, oh god. That’s him. How am I gonna stuff up the sink… (視線はキッチンテーブルの上にあるジュリーの課題の上で止まる) 



MIKE: Well. (マイクはスーザンを見上げながら、パイプからアイスの棒をいくつも取り出して見せる) Here’s your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there.


SUSAN: I’ve told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, y’know? 




SERVER: Alright, I’ll go put in your order. I’ll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar. (歩き去る)

REX: Thank you. 

BREE: Andrew, Danielle, napkins?

ANDREW: They have video games. Can we go play until our food gets here? 

BREE: Andrew. This is family time. I think we should all… 

REX: (ブリーを遮り) Go ahead and play. (ダニエルとアンドリューはびっくりしたようにレックスを見てから席を立つ) 

BREE: I know that you think I’m angry about coming here, but I’m not. I mean, the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun. I get it. (レックスに微笑む) Probably will want something healthier tomorrow night though, I’m thinking about chicken… 

REX: (ブリーを遮り) I want a divorce. (ブリーは衝撃を受けた様子でレックスを見る) I just can’t live in this… this detergent commercial anymore. 


SERVER: The salad bar’s right over there, help yourself. 

REX: Thank you (ウエイターが立ち去るのを見つめている) 

BREE: Um. Think I’ll go get your salad for you. 


MRS. HUBER: Bree Van De Kamp! 

BREE: (びっくりして顔を上げる) Oh, hello Mrs. Huber. (挨拶しながら適当にサラダを皿に盛る。その中には玉ねぎも入っているがブリーは気がついていない) 

MRS. HUBER: Oh we didn’t get a chance to talk at Mary Alice’s wake. How are you doing? 


NARRATOR: Bree longed to share the truth about her husband’s painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option. 

BREE: (完璧な微笑みを浮かべて) Great. Everything is just great. (サラダにドレッシングをかけ、その場を去る) 


BREE: Okay, well I got you the honey mustard dressing; the ranch looked just a little bit suspect. (ブリーがパンを切り始めると、レックスはため息をつきながらサラダを食べ始める) 

REX: (サラダを口に入れながらブリーの方を向く) Are we gonna talk about what I just said? 

BREE: If you think I’m gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labelled “chicks” and “dudes” (レックスを見つめ), you’re out of your mind. 

REX: (突然レックスの息が詰まる。苦しそうにサラダを指さす) What’s in this? 

BREE: What do you mean what’s in this? It’s salad. 

REX: With… (苦しそうに息をしながら) with onions? 

BREE: What? 

REX: (息も絶え絶え) You put onions in my salad!!


BREE: No, I didn’t! (ふと思い当たったかのように) Oh wait… 



NARRATOR: The sound that awakened my son was something he’d heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. 


NARRATOR: But he recognized it instantly. 


NARRATOR: It was the sound of family secret. 

<スカーボ家のキッチンとリビングルーム: 朝> 


NARRATOR: Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate. 


PARKER: Mommy, Mommy! 

LYNETTE: Now what. 

PARKER: Daddy’s home! (リネットは驚いて玄関ドアの方を向く) 


TOM: Come on! Is everybody home?

LYNETTE: Hey, yeah!

SCAVO kids: Yeah, yeah! 

TOM: Hey! 

LYNETTE: I wasn’t expecting you for a week! 

TOM: (双子を床に下ろし、赤ちゃんの頭を撫でる。リネットは顔についた桃を拭きとる) I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. When I got your call, you sounded a little frazzled.

LYNETTE: Yeah! It’s been a little rough! (トムがリネットにキスする) 

TOM: Hmm, yeah, peaches. 

PARKER: Daddy, Daddy, did you buy us any presents?

TOM: Oh god, presents. Oh, wait a minute, lemme see. (バッグからラグビーボールを取り出す) Ooooh. 

SCAVO kids: Yaaaaayyy! (リネットが微笑む) 

TOM: But I’m not gonna give it to you, unless you promise me that you’re gonna go outside right now and practice throwing for 20 minutes, okay? You promise? 

SCAVO kids: Yeay, yeah, yeah!! (全員が外に走り出る) 

TOM: Get out! Who’s open! Go left! (トムがボールを投げる真似をする) 

SCAVO kids: Yeah yeah yeah! 

TOM: Deeper, deeper, touchdown! (ボールを投げる) 



LYNETTE: Oh my god, oh my, oh!


LYNETTE: Ooh, you gotta be kidding! I’m exhausted! I look terrible, I’m covered in peaches! 

TOM: Sorry baby, I gotta have you. 

LYNETTE: (手でこめかみを揉みながら) Well, is it ok if I just lie here? 

TOM: Absolutely. (シャツのボタンをはずしながらリネットにキスする) 

LYNETTE: I love you. 

TOM: I love you more. 

LYNETTE: Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you’re just gonna have to put on a condom. 

TOM: Condom? 


TOM: What’s the big deal? Let’s risk it. 

LYNETTE: (怒った顔で) Let’s risk it? 

TOM: Yeah. 

LYNETTE: Ooh! (トムの顔面にパンチする) 




REX: I can’t believe you tried to kill me. 

BREE: Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake. 

REX: Since when do you make mistakes? 

BREE: What’s that supposed to mean? 

REX: It means I’m sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I-I-I’m sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn’t move. I’m sick of you making the bed in the morning before I’ve even used the bathroom. (ブリーは驚いた様子でレックスを見つめる) You’re, you’re this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like “we owe the Henderson’s a dinner”. (ブリーは動揺して膝の上に視線を落とす) Where’s the woman I fell in love with? Who, who used to burn the toast, drink milk out of the carton, and laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you’ve become. 

BREE: (落ち着きを取り戻して立ち上がり、テーブルの上の花瓶を手に取る) These need water. 


NARRATOR: Bree sobbed quietly in the bathroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect. 




GABRIELLE: I found my earrings. We can go now. 

CARLOS: Was John here today? 

GABRIELLE: Well, yeah. 

CARLOS: The lawn hasn’t been mowed. I’ve had it; we’re getting a real gardener. 


CARLOS: Are you deaf? I just said, he’s not doing his job. 

GABRIELLE: It’s dark, you just can’t see that the lawn has been mowed. 

CARLOS: It hasn’t been. Feel this grass. 

GABRIELLE: I’m not feeling the grass! Let’s just get going, come on! We’re late!





CARLOS: (車の鍵を係員に投げつける) Take care of it. 

VALET: Yes, sir. 

CARLOS: There’s Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance. 

GABRIELLE: Good luck, sweetheart.


GABRIELLE: Oh, excuse me. 

WAITER: Ma’am? 

GABRIELLE: You see that man who just walked away? Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all night long. (折りたたんだ数枚の紙幣をウエイターのポケットに押し込む) 

WAITER: Yes, ma’am. 











MRS. HUBER: Susan? Susan! 

SUSAN: Oh. Mrs. Huber, how you doing? 

MRS. HUBER: Not too well, I’m afraid. I’m trying to find something to soothe my stomach

SUSAN: It’s upset? 

MRS. HUBER: Yeah, I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake, it’s been running through my system ever since.


MRS. HUBER: And I need to be at my best tonight. Edie Britt’s son is spending the night tonight. 

SUSAN: He’s spending the night? 

MRS. HUBER: Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over on dinner, and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours, if you know what I mean. 


MRS. HUBER: Oh, here’s some antacid. Have you ever tried this…? (スーザンがいないことに気づく) 


SUSAN: I can’t believe it. This can’t be happening. Mike can’t like Edie better than me, he just can’t! 

JULIE: I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe they’re just… having dinner. 


JULIE: You’re right. They’re doing it. 

<ウィステリア通り:夜 >


SUSAN: Edie? Edie? Hello..? Anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.


EDIE: Oh my god! Oh, yeah! Oh, god! Give it to me, yeah….! (二階からイーディの喘ぎ声が聞こえてくる)

NARRATOR: And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever. And despite the precariousness of her situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.


SUSAN: Oh… Oh! Oh!

NARRATOR: It didn’t take long for Susan to realize, this was just not her night.


EDIE: Is somebody out there? (イーディが二階から降りてくる気配を察知してスーザンはこっそりと逃げる) Oh my god, that’s smoke! Oh my god. Oh…



MRS. HUBER: She left some candles unattended in the den. Paramedics say she was lucky, she could’ve been killed!

LYNETTE: She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.

GABRIELLE: What happened to him?

LYNETTE: He got smoke inhalation, he’s at the hospital.


BREE: Susan, are you alright? You look awful.

SUSAN: I’m fine. I’m fine. I…I just feel really bad for Edie.

GABRIELLE: Oh, honey, don’t worry about Edie. She’s a strong lady.

LYNETTE: Absolutely. She’ll get through this. She’ll find a way to survive.

BREE: We all do.



MIKE: Wow, what happened?(マイクが後ろからやってきてスーザンに声をかける)

SUSAN: Mike!

NARRATOR: And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

SUSAN: I, I thought you were… Um, where were you?

MIKE: I just got back from the movies. So, Edie had a fire, huh?


SUSAN: Yeah. Yeah, but she’s fine now. Everything’s fine now.

NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities. Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.



MAN: Hello?

MIKE: Hey, it’s me.

MAN: Do you have anything yet.

MIKE: No, no, nothing yet, but don’t worry. I’m definitely getting closer.


SUSAN: I brought some champagne. I thought we should have a toast.

NARRATOR: The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life.

SUSAN: Alright ladies, lift them up. To Mary Alice, good friend, and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you’ve found peace.

LYNETTE: To Mary Alice.

GABRIELLE: To Mary Alice.

LYNETTE: Let’s get this show on the road.

GABRIELLE: You guys check out Mary Alice’s clothes? Size 8? Ha! She always told me she was a size 6. Guess we found the skeleton in her closet.

NARRATOR: Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.

GABRIELLE: What’s that? (服の間から落ちた封筒を拾い上げる)

BREE: It’s a letter, addressed to Mary Alice.

NARRATOR: How ironic to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually.


LYNETTE: What’re you doing? That’s private.

GABRIELLE: It’s open, what’s the big deal?


SUSAN: What does this mean?

LYNETTE: I don’t know, but check out the postmark.

BREE: Oh my god, she got it the day she died.

GABRIELLE: Do you think this is why she…?

NARRATOR: I’m so sorry, girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do?







Lynette’s mom: What? You want to make sure his intentions are honorable?  Lynette, I hate to break this to you, but I am not a virgin. (なんだい。相手がまともな男か確認するつもりかい?リネット、悪いけど、あたしゃ処女じゃないよ)

Lynette: Mom, I want to meet him.(お母さん、相手に会わせて)

Lynette’s mom: All right. Come by tomorrow. I’ll squeeze you in between nothing to do and waiting for death. (わかったよ。明日来な。手持無沙汰とあの世へのお迎え待ちの間に予定しておくよ)






Edie: Now this place is a real diamond in the rough. Cozy little two-bedroom plus den, with a highly motivated seller.(この物件はまさにダイヤの原石よ。居心地のいいベッドルームが2つに書斎があるし、売り手は売る気満々)

Bree: Oh, look, a highly motivated cockroach.(あら見て、やる気満々のゴキブリがいるわ)

Edie: Let’s try to be positive, people. Fabulous location. Just walking distance to all sorts of fun shops. (前向きに考えてちょうだい。すばらしい立地だし、歩いて行ける距離にいろんなお店があるのよ)








Sister Mary: I said no.(「いや」と言ったのよ)

Gabrielle: I know what you said. I’m wondering why you said it.(何て言ったかはわかってる。なぜ言ったのかが気になるけどね)

Sister Mary: Carlos is a diamond in the rough, a flawed man to be sure, but someone who is desperately searching for something to believe in. To satisfy your materialism, he ended up breaking the law. To deal with your adultery, he resorted to assault. As long as he’s with you, he will never find what he’s looking for.(カルロスはダイヤの原石よ。もちろん欠点もある人だけど、信じるものを必死に探しているわ。あなたの物欲を満たすために彼は法律を破ることになった。あなたの不倫に対処するために彼は暴行に及んだ。あなたと一緒にいる限り、彼は自分が探しているものを見つけることはできないでしょう)





Porter: Are you two mad at each other?(パパとママは喧嘩しているの?)

Lynette: Yes, but once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he’ll come home.(そうよ。でもパパは頭を冷やして怒りを鎮めたら帰ってくるわよ)







Edie: Susan. Why are you so eerily calm? Mike Delfino just dumped you. The Susan Mayer I know would be a blubbering mess right now. Oh, come on, trot her on out. She’s fun to watch.(スーザン、なんでそんなに気味が悪いくらい落ち着いてるのよ?マイク・デルフィーノにフラれたのよ。私が知ってるスーザン・マイヤーなら今頃泣き叫んでめちゃくちゃなはずよ。正直になりなさいよ。その方が見てて楽しいわ)

Susan: Actually, I think I’m starting to feel pretty Zen about the whole thing.(正直なところ、今回のことについては禅的に悟った気分なの)

Bree: Well, I think Mike will calm down in a couple of days and come to his senses.(まあ、マイクは2、3日もすれば落ち着いて我にかえると思うわ)

Susan: No, I came between the man and his son. There’s a huge betrayal. I, I can’t even blame him for hating me.(いいえ、父親と息子の間に割って入ったんだもの。大きな裏切りだわ。嫌われて当然よ)






Susan: I don’t know why I let you talk me into coming here. There is obviously nothing going on between them.(なんであなたの言いなりになってこんなとこにのこのこ来ちゃったのかしら。あの二人の間に何もないのは明らかだわ)

Edie: Where are you going?(どこ行くのよ?)

Susan: I’m going to the bathroom and I’m going home. I don’t want Mike to catch me here.(トイレに行ってから家に帰るわ。マイクに見つかりたくないもの)






Rex: What are these?(なんだこれは?)

Bree: They’re brochures for youth detention centers.(青年更生施設のパンフレットよ)

Rex: How long have you had these?(いつからこんなものを用意してたんだ?)

Bree: They’ve been in the drawer for a few months. I had a feeling we might be needing them.(数か月前から引き出しに入れていたわ。いつか必要になる気がして)

Rex: Bree, I don’t know.(ブリー、何と言っていいか)

Bree: We have to admit that we need help. If we can’t get through to Andrew then we have to find someone who can.(助けが必要なことを認めなければいけないわ。私たちがアンドリューに理解させることができないなら、できる人を探さないと)




Bree: What’s going on with you, Lynette? (リネット、どうしたの?)

Lynette: Nothing. Same old, same old.(なんでもないわ。いつも通りよ)





Bree: It’s easy for you, isn’t it? You’re not the one he’s openly rude to. You’re not the one he challenges every day. You’re not the one he hates.(あなたにとっては簡単なことよね?彼はあなたに対しては公然と無礼な態度をとったりしないもの。毎日大変な思いをしているのはあなたじゃない。彼が嫌っているのはあなたじゃないんだもの)

Rex: I’ll talk to him, all right? I’ll sit him down for a little old-fashioned heart to heart.(僕が話すよ、いいだろ?彼と昔ながらの心の交流とやらをしてみるよ)

Bree: You talk to him all you want. I’m gonna check out the place with the electrified fence.(あなたが彼と話すのは勝手だけど、私は電気フェンスのある施設を調べてみるわ)







Susan: Don’t worry. They are not for you. They are for people who still possess an ounce of humanity.(心配しないで。あなたのためじゃないわ。人情が残っている人のために持ってきたの)

Dick: Whatever you say, Pollyanna. But if I see any mylar balloons with dogs wearing stethoscopes, I’m filing a complaint.(好きに言ってろ、能天気な奴め。でもな、聴診器をつけた犬の風船なんか持ってきたら訴えるからな)





Bree: So have you given any thought to when you might be ending your visit? (いつお帰りになるか予定はもう決められたんですか?)

Phyllis: Have I become a burden? Is that what you’re saying?(私が重荷になったの?そういう意味?)

Bree: I was simply asking when you were planning to leave. There was no agenda behind the question.(単にいつお帰りになる予定か尋ねただけです。質問に何の裏もありませんわ)

Phyllis: Oh. I, I don’t know. Why don’t we play it by ear?(そう。わからないわ。様子を見て決めるということでどう?)

Bree: Yes, let’s.(そうですね。そうしましょう)





Susan: Listen.We need to talk. I spoke to Mike, and, uh, he’s just not really into the whole double wedding thing.(あのね、話があるの。マイクと話したんだけど・・合同結婚式にどうも乗り気じゃないみたいなの)

Gabrielle: Mike said no?(マイクは反対なの?)

Susan: Yeah, he sort of wants the day just to be about us. So we’re gonna wait till the fall. I’m so sorry.(うん、なんていうか、その日は二人だけの特別な日にしたいみたいで。だから私たちは秋まで待つことにするわ。本当にごめんね)

Gabrielle: No. No, it’s okay. Victor was kind of on the fence about it, too.(ううん、いいのよ。ビクターもなんか迷ってたみたいだったし)

Susan: Oh, good! I mean, not that they said no, just…’cause i really wanted to do it.(あ~よかった。あ、なんていうか別に反対されたことがよかったわけじゃなくて・・・だって私は合同結婚式したかったし)

Gabrielle: Me, too. I think it would’ve been so much fun.(私も。きっと絶対楽しかったと思うわ)





Bree: You’re going back to modeling? This is so sudden.(モデルに戻るの?ずいぶん急な話ね)
Gabrielle: Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m just gonna fly to New York, meet with my old agent, and take it from there. Come on, you guys, this is exciting. Be happy for me.(まだ先走るのはやめましょう。とりあえずニューヨークに行って昔のエージェントに会ってくる。まずはそこからね。ちょっと~これはいい話よ。私のために喜んでよ。)

Susan: Oh, we are. We’re just gonna miss you, that’s all.(もちろん、喜んでるわよ。ただあなたがいなくなると寂しいだけ)







Carlos: Yes, is this the pharmacy? My wife asked me to call. She lost her prescription. Gabrielle Solis. Yeah, the birth control pills. Great. she’ll be very relieved. Can she get enough for several months? Yeah, that’s right, better safe than sorry. Thanks a lot. Oh, do you guys deliver?(薬局ですか?妻に頼まれて電話してます。処方箋をなくしてしまいまして。ガブリエル・ソリスです。はい、避妊用ピルです。よかった。彼女安心します。数か月分いただけますか?はい、念には念を入れないとね。ありがとうございます。配達お願いできますか?)





Lauren: I get it, but if I broke the rules for you, I’d have to break them for the other moms too, and then the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed at me, and I’d have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don’t have time to read my magazine.  (わかるけど、あなたのために規則を破ったら、他のお母さんのお願いも聞かなきゃならなくなって、そうするときちんと規則を守っているお母さんたちに私が怒られることになって、そしたら私も頭にきて、気が付いたら、雑誌を読む暇もなくなっちゃうわ)










Lynette: It’s crazy here tonight. Don’t you want to dance?(今夜は最高に盛り上がってるわ。踊らないの?)

Nina: No, thanks. I think I’ll sit this one out.(いいの。今回はやめておくわ)






Bree: An autopsy? Detective, Rex died of a heart attack.(検死ですって?刑事さん、レックスは心臓発作で亡くなったんですよ)

Detective: Well, there were some anomalies in the doctor’s report.(医者の報告書に不審な点がありましてね)

Bree: Anomalies? What anomalies?(不審な点?どんな不審点ですか?)

Detective: Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to discuss this any further with you.(奥さん、申し訳ありませんが、私からこれ以上申し上げれられることはありません)

Bree: Am I a suspect?(私は容疑者ですか?)

Detective: I didn’t say that.(そうは言っていません)








ちょっと長いですが、いいシーンなのでそのまま引用します。Youtube 動画もあったので音声も聞いてみてください。

Tom: It wasn’t an affair. It was completely meaningless.
Lynette: It was after we were engaged.
Tom: No, we had broken up, remember?
Lynette: No, no. We were taking a break, remember? Yes, we were fighting constantly, so we decided to spend some time apart to decide whether we were gonna get married or split up.
Tom: Right.
Lynette: So I went to my mom’s house to think about it. And I will never forget this.
I was sitting in the kitchen, my mom was making a frittata, and I thought, “Oh! I should make that for Tom.” And then it hit me, there might be no Tom. I might never see you again. And I had an epiphany. I didn’t want a life without you in it. Yeah, I was at a crossroads, and I chose the path that included you. And you know what kills me? While I was making that decision, you were off sleeping with my best friend.





Gabby:It would be your treat. I’m a hot date. What’s in it for me?



たとえば、営業の方とかが、「多分皆さんは今、『その機能がすごいのはわかったけど、じゃぁそれが私にとって何の役に立つの?(What’s in it for me?)』って思ってらっしゃいますよね? それをこれからご紹介します!」







MAMA SOLIS: I don’t see why you have her.

GABRIELLE: It’s a big house. I need help.

MAMA SOLIS: It’s only called help when you do some of the work yourself.

GABRIELLE: I supervise.

MAMA SOLIS: You pay her $300 a week. That’s $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you’re not putting away enough for retirement!

CARLOS: You know, baby, it would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses.

GABRIELLE: You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?

CARLOS: Other women manage…

「It’s a big house. I need help.(大きい家だから、助けがいるのよ)」と言い放つガブリエルに対し、義理のお母さんの「It’s only called help when you do some of the work yourself.(自分で何かしらやってこそ初めて助けと呼ぶのよ=何もしていないんだから「助け」と呼べないでしょ)」というセリフはもっともすぎて笑えますね 😆





MIKE: Oh, look at that. Looks like Bongo’s finally warming up to Susan.

SUSAN: Ooh, we just got off on the wrong foot, we’re really best buddies now. Oh, what a good boy!






VICTOR: Gaby? You in there?

GABRIELLE: Hey, Victor. You’re probably wondering why I’ve been in here so long. Funny story. I ran into your ex-wife.

VICTOR: Yeah, she brought me up to speed.







LYNETTE: I don’t really think I could videotape Claire. It would be a breach of trust.

BREE: Trust is overrated.







ANDREW: He committed suicide. His death was on his terms. That’s not justice.

BREE: So, are you saying if he were executed, that it would be easier for you to get past this?