Drop Dead Diva 私はラブリーガル シーズン１第１話
DEB: Do my knees look fat?
GRAYSON: What?
DEB: I don’t know. Maybe I should just wear pants.
GRAYSON: You don’t get nervous. What’s going on?
DEB: You didn’t answer the question.
GRAYSON: You and your knees are perfect.
[DEB smiles]
GRAYSON: Breakfast?
DEB: Only if…
GRAYSON:… grapefruit, two Splendas. Deb, you got to relax. You kill at auditions.
DEB: A prize model on the “The Price is Right” is not just an audition. It’s a career.
GRAYSON: And with knees like yours, it’s a lock.
[The episode continues with Jane taking a cinnamon roll from the fridge and eating it.]
TERI: Jane.
JANE: Hey Teri.
TERI: You didn’t go home… Again.
[Kim enters the office.]
KIM: Good morning. Jane, we have Marcus Newsome this afternoon.
JANE: Yes, Kim, I know. I’ve been working on our brief.
TERI: It’s your suit. The client was here yesterday.
KIM: And at 300$ an hour we should at least be wrinkle-free.
TERI: And how many hours did that purse cost?
KIM: Hermes. Ostrich leather. There was a two-year-wait, but I pulled some strings. And Jane, for what it’s worth, no one under 50 wears a brooch.
TERI: Hermes bitch.
[The episode continues with Deb watching “The Price is Right”]
TV: You and your guests could have fun with this new karaoke machine! Vocopro’s duet easy-to-use digital..
DEB: Did you find it?
[Grayson enters the room, now wearing a suit.]
GRAYSON: One bottle of Ironic Taffy… Behind the Pepto.
DEB: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
GRAYSON: You really think it’s lucky, huh?
DEB: I had it on when I met you. I’d call that lucky. Why are you wearing your interview tie?
GRAYSON: Babe, for the third time…
DEB:… you have a final interview with the new firm with the better partnership track. The tighter the knot, the broader the shoulders.
GRAYSON: What would I do without you?
DEB: Oh Lanisha thinks she is all that with her hip dip shoulder swoop! Grayson, check this out. I call it the ‘toe tap, booty bounce’. That’s better than Lanisha, right?
GRAYSON: She’ll want to claw your eyes out.
DEB: You always know what to say.
[DEB kisses Grayson]
[In Jane’s office. Teri puts a coffee cup on Jane’s table.]
TERI: Kim hosted a cocktail party last night… For the partners.
JANE: She was supposed to be helping me.
TERI: Yeah, well, you are smarter, you work harder and our clients actually like you. But she does know how to work it…
JANE: Teri, I can’t have this conversation. Not right now.
TERI: I’m worried about you.
JANE: Well, worry about the Middle East. I’m fine. Really. I got to get back…
TERI:…To work. I know.
[Jane spills coffee on her suit.]
JANE: Damn it. Teri. Teri?
TERI: Jane.
GUNMAN: Lady, get your ass down!
TERI: Apparently this gentleman has an issue with Parker.
GUNMAN: Your boss slept with my wife.
PARKER: I didn’t know she was married.
JANE: Look, sir…
[Jane trips and the gunman shoots. Jane gets hit by the bullet and falls down.]
[In Deb’s car.]
DEB: You got Deb.
STACY: Scott dumped me.
DEB: Oh, Stacy. I’m so sorry.
STACY: He said I was… I am… Shallow.
DEB: Hello? Has he seen the indie movies in your Netflix que?
[Deb’s car almost gets hit by another car.]
DRIVER: Watch it!
DEB: Sorry.
STACY: Deb, I can’t afford this place on my own.
DEB: Maybe you should get, like, a job.
STACY: I’m a model.
DEB: And a damn good one. But you haven’t worked since the J.C. Penny spread.
STACY: That layout was printed on recycled paper. The green added ten pounds.
DEB: Being green can be so cruel. Listen, sweetie, after I rock my audition, I’m gonna swing by and…
[Deb’s car crashes into a grapefruit truck as she screams.]
STACY: Deb? Can you hear me now? Okay, call me back.
[The episode continues in Heaven, where Deb meets Fred.]
FRED: Ms. uh… Dobkins, I’m Fred. I’m your gatekeeper. Apologies for your sudden demise.
DEB: Demise?
FRED: It’s a lot to process. Follow me.
DEB: So, this is the pearly gates?
FRED: You sound disappointed.
DEB: It’s just.. I expected puffy clouds, a few angels, maybe even a harp. I really need to get back to Earth now.
FRED: Have a seat.
[Deb sits. Fred starts typing on a computer.]
DEB: What are you doing?
FRED: Reviewing your life… You know, Heaven or Hell. Whoa whoa. Hold on a second. I’ve never seen this before. Ms. Dobkins, according to my records, you have not done a single good deed or bad act in your entire life. You are my first adult 0/0.
DEB: You know, I am a good person, all right? Lots of deeds.
FRED: Ms. Dobkins, I’ve seen a lot of bad people, and you’re not one of them. But you’re not one of the good ones, either. Based on our brief period of time together, I would conclude that you’re simply shallow.
DEB: Shallow? Well, who do you think you are in your dress-for-less shirt and your poly-yesterday pants? You’re rude, and I am not gonna sit here and take it.
FRED: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it, right?
[Deb looks at the sign next to the computer which has 10 rules on it. She notices the last one which says: 10. RETURN BUTTON shall NOT be pressed without authorization.]
DEB: Let’s find out.
[Deb presses the return button, disappears, and goes back to Earth to Jane’s body who is in an operation room. The doctor is prepared to give her a defibrillation.]
DOCTOR: Gel. Clear!
[Jane opens her eyes.]
DOCTOR: Wait a minute.
[Jane looks around suspiciously, then notices her face on a mirror and screams. The episode continues in her hospital room.]
DOCTOR: She is one lucky lady. Bullet just grazed her. Didn’t require a stitch.
NURSE: But the EKG… She flatlined.
DOCTOR: There must have been some kind of short in the monitor. It’s happened before.
[The doctor notices Fred who has entered the room.]
DOCTOR: Are you a friend?
FRED: Sure.
DOCTOR: Temporary amnesia is not uncommon with a slight concussion, so we’ll be keeping her under observation.
[The doctor leaves. Fred goes to Jane’s bed.]
FRED: Wake up!
[Jane wakes up.]
JANE: I just had the strangest dream.
FRED: It wasn’t a dream… Sweetie.
JANE: Fred? Why do I feel bloated? Oh my God… Oh, oh my God… You sent me to Hell?
FRED: Relax. Your soul entered a recently vacated vessel. Your old body…
JANE: No no no no no no no. I’m going back to sleep, and when I wake up…
FRED: Her name… now your name… is Jane.
JANE: This doesn’t work for me. I’ve never been more than a size 2, and that’s only ‘cause of the freshman 15, which is why I quit community college. So, who do I have to talk to?
FRED: Look on the bright side… You’re alive. And not only do you get Jane’s body, but you get her brains, too. Her I.Q. is off the charts.
JANE: Fred… Tell me how to get “me” back.
FRED: You are Jane… Now and forever. Everything you need to know about her… about you… is in here.
[Fred gives her Jane’s black handbag.]
JANE: A Mossimo bag from Target?
FRED: Jane’s purse… wallet, license, business cards.
[Jane finds the cat brooch inside the bag.]
JANE: She wears a brooch. No one under 50 wears a brooch.
FRED: So buy a new bag, buy new jewelry. I don’t care. One rule… you don’t tell anybody about this. You got it?
JANE: Why?
FRED: Because people will think you’re insane. And then I’m gonna have to send you back, and not to the… good place.
JANE: If I’m Jane, then why do I still remember everything about me? Shouldn’t I know all about her?
FRED: Memories remain with the soul.
JANE: Whatever. I’m out of here.
[Jane leaves the hospital in her hospital outfit. She finds the key under the garden gnome’s hat, enters the house, and sees herself in a long mirror for the first time. She raises the dress and sees her knees, clearly unhappy with them. Then she goes to her closet and tries her old, plaited skirt on and rips it. Then she hears someone coming in and runs into the next room. Grayson comes inside the house, sits on the bed and starts crying. Jane looks at him from the doorway. Her hand leaning on the cupboard, she knocks over Deb’s Ironic Taffy and leaves. The episode continues in the office of Harrison and Parker. The elevator opens and Fred comes in and sees Jane.]
FRED: Nice outfit.
JANE: What are you doing here?
FRED: Firm’s looking for a new messenger. I’m applying.
JANE: Shouldn’t you be back up…
FRED: Jane…
JANE: Don’t. Stop it! I hate her name. I hate her body. I hate her purse! I hate everything!
FRED: Hey, shut up! I’m here because of you, all right? I got demoted from gatekeeper to guardian angel because of you.
JANE: You’re my guardian angel?
FRED: I’m afraid so.
JANE: Make me skinny and hot… now.
FRED: I’m an angel, not a wizard. And between you and me, it’s just a fancy term for “babysitter.”
JANE: How did you find me here?
FRED: You’re in Jane’s body.
JANE: So?
FRED: So everybody’s body has its own needs, its cravings, its comfort zones. This firm is where Jane’s body feels at ease. It’s where her intellect shines.
TERI: Jane?
FRED: Teri, your assistant.
[Fred leaves.]
JANE: I’ve always wanted my own assistant.
TERI: Thank God you’re okay. Let’s get you to your office.
OFFICE WORKER: Hi!
[Everybody starts clapping when they see Jane entering.]
JANE: Why are they clapping?
TERI: You took a bullet for Parker.
[Jane waves and smiles. The episode continues in her office. Teri shows her a black suit from her closet.]
JANE: No, I don’t wear “Lame Bryant”.
TERI: The doctor said you might have amnesia, but you love Ms. Bryant. They’re stretchy and comfortable.
[Jane shows her a book titled “Ten ways to make way”.]
JANE: I read loser lit?
TERI: Jane, you live by those books. Get dressed.
[Jane puts on the suit and goes to Teri.]
JANE: I look ridiculous.
TERI: You look fine.
[Parker comes in.]
PARKER: Jane. You gave us all quite the scare. The gunman was apprehended, everybody’s fine, and I promise to enquire about the marital status of all future dates. Thank you for… well… thank you. How you feeling?
JANE: Not quite myself, but…
PARKER: Marcus Newsome’s on his way up. Given the circumstances, Kim’s offered to take over as first chair.
TERI: Of course she did. Jane brought Newsom to the firm.
PARKER: Jane, if you need anything at all, you let me know.
TERI: Kim ditched her last depo for a botox touch-up!
JANE: Who’s Marcus Newsome?
TERI: That’s funny. Yikes. Okay.
[They go to Jane’s office.]
TERI: Marcus Newsom is suing Upland Pharmaceuticals. His wife suffered a hallucination after taking their sleeping pill, Zolpidem. She thought she was a bird, tried to fly, fell 20 stories. Does any of this ring a bell?
JANE: No. But I imagine we’re suing for wrongful death.
TERI: Yeah, and failure…
JANE: …Failure to disclose, negligence, fraud, and possible product liability, although that’s tenuous. Oh, that was intense. Ask me something… something a- a smart person would know.
TERI: Um…
JANE: Like, “what’s the capital of New Zealand?” Wellington! What’s the square root of 113? It’s a prime number. Trick question! Listen to me.
TERI: Are you okay?
JANE: I’m smart!
TERI: Yeah, you are. Now march into that conference room and show Kim that brains trump Botox.
JANE: Why is it so hot in this office?
TERI: We’ve been through this. It’s not hot. It’s your metabolism.
JANE: Well, my metabolism is making me sweat, so I need some air.
[Tries to open the window.]
JANE: Okay, they don’t open.
TERI: We’re in an office building. They’re sealed.
JANE: Great. Then I’m going out.
TERI: Jane. I know you’ve had a really rough day, but I’m here for you. And everything you need to know is in your brief.
[Teri hands her the brief, but Jane leaves her office without taking it. Teri follows her and notices Marcus Newsome sitting in the office.]
TERI: Mr. Newsome.
MARCUS: Jane. I- I just heard. Are you really okay?
TERI: Flesh wound, one band-aid. She’s great.
KIM: She’s fine. We should get started.
[Leaves with Marcus.]
TERI: It’s all in the file.
[Teri hands her the brief. The episode continues in the conference room. Jane notices a plate of donuts on the table. Kim is walking and talking to Marcus about a problem with the case.]
KIM: Tomorrow, the defense will try to rattle you. They’ll argue that your wife was suicidal.
MARCUS: No, that’s… that’s bull…
KIM: You contend she was happy, but if they undermine your credibility, it’ll call Emily’s mental state into question.
MARCUS: How can they say anything about Emily? They didn’t know her.
KIM: Which is why they’ll go after you, try to get you to admit that she was unstable in some way. You’ve got to remain calm.
MARCUS: Calm? Emily’s dead because she took their drug. And if you expect me to remain calm, you have no idea what it’s like to lose someone you love.
KIM: Marcus, I’m on your side, but when you’re on the stand…
MARCUS: What, I should put on a happy face?
KIM: I think we should take a little break here.
[Kim puts the plate of donuts before Jane.]
KIM: Here you go, Jane.
JANE: I’m fine.
KIM: I’m sorry. It’s just, you were staring at them.
JANE: You know what? To be honest, I am craving a doughnut because, apparently, I am a doughnut eater.
KIM: Are you all right?
JANE: You’re asking a young widower not to be himself, not to feel his loss, and that is not who he is. And that’s not the strategy that Jane… I mean, that I outlined in this brief.
MARCUS: What’s going on?
JANE: Marcus, under most circumstances, I would agree with… Kim, but the jury’s not going to sympathize unless they see your pain. Don’t hide it. Embrace it.
KIM: Jane… You’re first chair. And we’re done here.
[The episode continues with Jane eating a donut when Teri approaches her.]
TERI: How’d it go?
JANE: I’m back to first chair again.
TERI: Awesome.
JANE: This doughnut is just sweetened dough and congealed chocolate, but wow. Teri, do you want one? There’s a whole plate in the other room.
TERI: No, thank you. You have a dinner. New client, Vicky Wellner. She’s divorcing her husband. You’re meeting her at Mozan in 20 minutes.
JANE: Oh, my God. Beyonce went there last week. I saw it on “TMZ”.
TERI: Yeah, you were there that night. You raved about the calamari.
JANE: Give me the details.
TERI: You ate it with cocktail sauce and lemon juice.
JANE: Details on the case.
TERI: Right. I’ll call you in your car, which I had washed. You’re welcome.
JANE: A Porsche?
TERI: Yeah, you bought it after reading “15 steps to a better you.”
[Jane is driving her car and having fun with it. Teri calls her.]
JANE: Hello? Teri?
TERI: Your top’s down? You don’t put the top down.
JANE: Can you pick me up some CDs for my Porsche? Christina, Colbie, Fergie.
TERI: Sure. Now about the case. Vicky Wellner, your client: she’s being divorced.
[Jane puts some music on.]
JANE: Oh, and I’m gonna need some lip gloss. Kisskiss, Granite Magic… And a Luminor and the Plumper. And an eyelash curler. Do I even have eyelashes?
TERI: Jane! Your client’s husband has a net worth of $5 mil, but the prenup only gives her about 100 grand.
JANE: Well, if she was dumb enough to sign one…
TERI: The prenup has an infidelity clause. He cheats, prenup goes bye-bye.
JANE: Smart girl. Tell me he cheated.
TERI: With the dog walker. Your client caught them together.
JANE: Ka-ching! She gets half.
TERI: Not so fast. She refuses to go to court.
JANE: Well, the only way to have a prenup voided and marital assets split is by a court order from a judge, so the client would have to testify.
[The episode continues in the restaurant. Jane is eating calamari and talking to Vicky Vellner.]
JANE: Calamari…It’s just rings of squid lightly fried in beer batter, but…
VICKY: Ms Bingum, I was clear with Parker. I…I won’t go to court.
JANE: But you need to testify.
VICKY: Are you whing?
JANE: I am giving you my expert legal opinion, which is… That you can’t let your rich son-of-a-bitch husband cheat on you and pay you off with a measly 100 grand.
VICKY: Parker thought that you could find a middle ground. That’s why he scheduled this settlement conference. I thought you were up to speed.
JANE: Mrs. Wellner, how much do you think you’re worth?
VICKY: Why?
JANE: Because if you don’t think you’re worth much, why should he?
VICKY: I gave up my career. I raised our children. I loved him unconditionally. I think that should be worth something. I think that should be worth… Half.
JANE: Then that’s what we’ll get.
[The episode continues at Stacy’s place. Jane is knocking on her door.]
STACY: Can I help you?
JANE: Stacy? t’s me, Deb.
STACY: My best friend was a Deb. She died this morning.
JANE: I know. We were on the phone, and…
STACY: This isn’t funny! Leave me alone!
JANE: No, Stace, it’s me. I promise. Please let me explain. I don’t have anywhere else to go.
STACY: Pork chop, i’m calling the cops.
JANE: Senior year, Rob Wahl gave you crabs. Who else knows that?
STACY: He gave them to every cheerleader and two guys on the wrestling team.
JANE: In 10th grade, you got a nose job but told everyone you were in France. And you put Krazy Glue in Kathy Lyford’s underwear for making out with your boyfriend during “Erin Brockovich.” And you were too shy to buy yourself a vibrator, so I bought you the…
STACY & JANE: Boris Pecker.
STACY: Deb?
JANE: Yeah.
[The episode continues inside the house. Jane and Stacy are sitting on a couch.]
STACY: Let me get this straight…You died, went to heaven, pressed a button, and they turned you into a size 16?
JANE: Pretty much.
STACY: That is so unfair. I mean, fat things should not happen to skinny people.
JANE: Hey, let’s go out…Les Deux or Hyde.
STACY: We don’t need to go out to have a good time.
JANE: That’s what we said to my cousin when she stopped waxing her mustache.
STACY: It’s not me. I just… I don’t think you’d make it past the rope, sweetie. Oh, Deb.
You’re not telling Grayson?
JANE: No. I’m Jane now. He loved Deb… But he’d run from this.
STACY: Come here.
[They embrace.]
STACY: So…Hey… So, I know that you’re Jane, but, um, do you still drink like Deb? Splenda mojitos?
JANE: Yeah, but I’d rather have something to eat.
STACY: But we don’t eat after 7:00.
JANE: I’m craving chocolate.
STACY: Chocolate… martinis?
JANE: I can live with that.
[The episode continues in the office.]
FRED: You went to Stacy’s house.
JANE: Are you stalking me now? She’s my best friend.
FRED: She’s Deb’s best friend. Did you tell her?
JANE: Yes. And I’m moving in with her.
FRED: Damn it, Jane. Now I have to report you.
JANE: If you report me, won’t you get in trouble, too?
FRED: You have no idea.
JANE: Then keep your mouth shut. Fred, it’s classic vicarious liability. No need for you to take the blame when the fault lies clearly with me, the perpetrator.
FRED: Wow.
JANE: I know. I’m smart. And I trust Stacy. Are we cool?
FRED: I’ll think about it.
JANE: Now, let’s talk about me… I’m quitting this gig. Playing lawyer… It was fun, but I’m over it.
FRED: You can’t just up and leave. People are depending on you.
JANE: Fred, I am not a morning person. I don’t like schedules or meetings or windows that don’t open.
FRED: You know something? You are a selfish, self-absorbed… I’m looking at Jane, and all I see is Deb, the 0/0.
[Jane enters the elevator.]
FRED: Wait a minute… are you wearing black because it’s slimming?
JANE: No, I am wearing black because I’m on my way to a funeral… My own.
[The episode continues with Deb’s funeral. Grayson is standing and talking about Deb.]
GRAYSON: People say there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, I can’t get past my anger. Standing here today, I can’t help but remember Deb’s first words to me… “Are you seriously trying to pull off acid-washed jeans?” She changed my life. She gave me something to look forward to at the end of each day. Deb taught me to listen to my heart.
GIRL #1: Deb taught me patterned leggings make my legs look fat. You?
GIRL #2: Never mix two seasons in one outfit.
GIRL #1: The world is a sadder place.
[Jane’s phone rings.]
JANE: What?
TERI: Where are you? You are due in court in five minutes.
JANE: I’m not going.
TERI: What is with you? You can’t do this to Mr. Newsome.
GRAYSON: She was sweet and kind and unselfish.
GIRL #2: What? Did he just say “unselfish”?
GIRL #1: She did give me a ride when I got my boobs done.
GIRL #2: ‘Cause she had the hots for your doctor.
GIRL #1: Oh.
TERI: Jane, are you there?
JANE: Is Jane… I mean, am I selfish?
TERI: You volunteer for meals on wheels. You do more pro bono work than anyone at this firm. What is going on?
JANE: Teri, do you really think I could help Marcus Newsom?
TERI: I’m sure of it.
JANE: I’m on my way.
GRAYSON: And in the worst of times, she could make me laugh. And without her… life will never be the same.
[Jane looks at Grayson and leaves. The episode continues in court where the opposing counsel Amos Hanson is questioning Dr. Curtis. Jane rushes in and sits next to Kim.]
AMOS: Dr. Curtis, please state your profession.
DR. CURTIS: I’m a professor of pharmacology and a leading scholar on inhibitory neurotransmitters.
KIM: Where have you been?
JANE: Sorry.
AMOS: Do you believe Zolpidem in any way contributed to Emily Newsome’s death?
DR. CURTIS: Absolutely not. The drug is a safe and effective sleep aid.
KIM: Don’t forget to ask him about the Raymar study.
JANE: That’s not in my notes.
KIM: It’s the backbone of our case, Jane.
AMOS: And to be clear, Zolpidem is approved by the FDA?
DR. CURTIS: For over 20 years.
AMOS: Thank you.
JUDGE WILSON: Counsel?
JANE: Dr. Curtis… That’s a beautiful suit. It looks like… an Armani Collezioni. May I feel the fabric?
[Jane touches the sleeve of his suit.]
JANE: Italian wool crepe. It’s nice. How much did that cost?
DR. CURTIS: I don’t remember.
JANE: You ever watch “the Price is Right”? If you had to guess the price, what would you say?
AMOS: Objection. Relevance?
JUDGE WILSON: Sustained.
JANE: I’d guess $2,000. Well, $2,001 if another contestant bid $2,000. It’s not nice, but it’s the smart thing to do.
JUDGE: Counsel… Make your point.
JANE: Sir, do you receive money from Upland, the defendant?
DR. CURTIS: I’m on the advisory board. It’s a paid position.
JANE: I knew it! Zolpidem is upland’s most successful drug, isn’t it?
DR. CURTIS: That’s correct.
JANE: And you have incentive to protect the sales of that drug so you can continue to afford high-end items, such as your suit?
AMOS: Objection.
JANE: Fine. Withdrawn. Dr. Curtis, it says right here in my brief, that I wrote… that Zolpidem has been linked to sleepwalking, sleep-eating and even sex while asleep.
DR. CURTIS: There’s a difference between odd behavior and dangerous behavior.
JANE: Are you aware that a New York woman taking Zolpidem opened the door to a stranger and was raped? She didn’t recall the attack until morning.
DR. CURTIS: Yes, but…
JANE: And according to the Sydney morning herald, a man jumped to his death two hours after popping a Zolpidem. Are you aware of that?
DR. CURTIS: Yes.
JANE: Dr. Curtis… Can you tell me about the Raymar study?
KIM: Objection.
JUDGE: You can’t object to your co-counsel. Approach the bench. All of you.
KIM: Your honor, you granted our pre-trial motion to exclude the study because the defense won’t share the data.
JUDGE WILSON: Yes, but now that Ms. Bingum has opened the door, it’s fair game. Step back. (To Dr. Curtis) Please answer the question.
DR. CURTIS: The study concluded that there’s no causal effect between Zolpidem and hallucinations or suicide. Like I said, it’s a safe drug.
AMOS: You want to feel his suit again?
[The people in the court laugh. ‘Kim stands up.]
KIM: Dr. Curtis… Who paid for the Raymar study?
DR. CURTIS: Upland Pharmaceutical.
KIM: And has their data been submitted for scientific review?
DR. CURTIS: Not at this time.
KIM: So there’s no way for a non-biased third party to verify the findings?
DR. CURTIS: Not yet.
KIM: Thank you. Nothing further.
JUDGE WILSON: Court’s adjourned.
[The episode continues in Kim’s office.]
JANE: Yesterday after court, you left in a hurry.
KIM: Were you hoping to grab a cocktail?
JANE: You set me up. You took advantage of my memory lapse.
KIM: And you’ve been up all night thinking about it. Dark circles. I can recommend a concealer.
JANE: You jeopardized the case.
KIM: I was two steps ahead of you, Jane. We were fine.
JANE: I understand you, Kim. I mean, I get who you are.
KIM: You “get” me? One little bump on the head, and you think you get me?
JANE: Everything’s a competition, every man, a conquest, every woman, a threat.
KIM: Between you and me, Jane, you’re no threat.
[Jane picks up Kim’s new bag.]
JANE: You know something? You and this Hermes knockoff have a lot in common… You look pretty, but you’re cheap.
KIM: Excuse me, but…
JANE: Don’t even try it. They haven’t done ostrich in burnt orange since ’03. I know fraud when I see it.
[Parker comes into the office.]
PARKER WELLNER: Jane, Vicky Wellner and opposing counsel are in the conference room. Accept their offer.
[The episode continues in the conference room where Jane is with Vicky, her husband Parker Wellner and the opposing counsel Joe Cummings.]
JANE: We do not accept the offer.
JOE: Parker assured me…
JANE: He doesn’t speak for the client.
JOE: What are you looking for?
PARKER WELLNER: You know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass what my wife is looking for. You want to challenge the prenup, that’s fine by me. Let’s go.
VICKY: We made a terrible mistake.
JANE: No. Worst-case scenario, we go to court.
VICKY: Why aren’t you hearing me? I won’t testify.
[Parker enters the room.]
PARKER: Jane, what happened?
JANE: It’s just a setback.
PARKER: Do you know why I assigned this case to you?
JANE: No.
PARKER: I thought you’d understand Vicky’s fears and insecurities.
JANE: Why would you think that?
PARKER: I see those self-help books in your office. You and Vicky are cut from the same cloth. So why are you fighting her wishes?
JANE: Because I am not the person you think I am!
[Jane enters her office.]
TERI: What’s wrong?
JANE: What’s right? I screwed up Mrs. Wellner’s case, Parker thinks I’m insecure, I hate my wardrobe, and it is like a thousand degrees in this office. I can’t do this anymore!
TERI: Sit. Open your mouth.
JANE: What?
TERI: No, just do it. Open it. Do it. Trust me.
[Teri puts some easy cheese in her mouth.]
JANE: Oh, my God. That stuff…
TERI: Easy Cheese.
JANE: … is like Xanax!
TERI: Let’s talk this through. First, who cares if Parker thinks you’re pathetic?
JANE: Insecure.
TERI: What?
JANE: He said “insecure,” not “pathetic.”
TERI: What matters is how well you do your job. Now, The Wellner case…
JANE: She won’t stand up for herself. She’s like one of those sad women they get for talk-show makeovers. Hold it. Hold everything. My brain is working.
[Jane writes an address down on a post-it note.]
JANE: Teri… Send Vicky to this address… Then schedule another settlement conference for this evening.
TERI: You got it.
[Teri leaves the office. Someone knocks at the door.]
JANE: Come in, Teri.
GRAYSON: Hello. It’s me… Grayson. Are you okay?
JANE: You remember me?
GRAYSON: How could I forget? You interviewed me last week, recommended me to Parker. I got the job. Thank you. I saw you at my girlfriend’s funeral. It was kind of you to represent the firm.
JANE: Are you sure you’re ready to start back to work? I mean, so soon after…
GRAYSON: I appreciate your concern, but everything at home reminds me of Deb. I haven’t told anyone, but I was going to propose next week. Even bought a ring. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lay this on you. But it’s why I need to stay busy.
[Kim enters the office.]
KIM: Hello, hello. Grayson, Kim Kaswell.
GRAYSON: Nice to meet you.
[Kim hands him a potted flower.]
KIM: Oh, little office-warming gift. Why don’t we find a place to put it?
GRAYSON: Thanks. I’ll see you later.
[Jane sits down and cries. Teri enters the office.]
TERI: Are you okay?
JANE: It’s too hot in this office. I’m suffocating.
[Jane touches the office window.]
JANE: These should open, damn it!
[Jane looks at the silver cat statue on the desk and grabs it.]
TERI: Jane, no! Your mother gave you that!
[Jane throws the cat statue at the window, breaking it. She goes to the broken window and breathes in fresh air.]
JANE: When they fix it, I want a latch.
[The episode continues in another office. Jane sees Vicky who has had a makeover.]
JANE: Wow. Mrs. Wellner.
VICKY: I appreciate you sending me to that spa, but how is this going to help our case?
JANE: Your husband knows you’ve been reluctant to testify, but suddenly you’re unpredictable.
VICKY: Well, makeover or not, he’s right. I won’t.
JANE: Then you’ll bluff. Sometimes you got to fake it to make it. So stand tall and walk with confidence. Like this.
[JANE shows Vicky her signature walk.]
JANE: I call it the ‘toe, tap, booty bounce’. Come on. Listen to your lawyer. Shoulders back, show the rack.
[Jane and Vicky practice the toe tap booty bounce.]
JANE: Toe… tap… Booty bounce. That’s it! One more time.
[Parker arrives with Stacy.]
PARKER: I found this young lady wandering the hall. She says she’s a friend.
JANE: Cute shorts.
STACY: They’re yours. You left them in the pool house.
PARKER: Everything okay here?
JANE: We could use some privacy.
STACY: Thank you.
JANE: Stacy, this is Mrs. Wellner.
STACY: Nice to meet you. A sexy dress and Ironic Taffy.Ladies, I need your right pinkies.
JANE: It’s for good luck.
[Stacy paints their right pinkies with Ironic Taffy. The episode continues in the conference room with Vicky, her husband and the opposing counsel Joe Cummings.]
JANE: My client is prepared to go to court.
PARKER WELLNER: So, what…You put her in a new dress, you slap some face paint on her, and I’m supposed to believe she’s had this change of heart?
VICKY: I don’t want to testify, but if I have to…
PARKER WELLNER: You’ll what? Huh? You’ll humiliate yourself. And haven’t the children been put through enough already?
[Parker notices how Vicky’s foot trembles under the table.]
PARKER WELLNER: Is this really what you want?
VICKY: I’m sorry, Jane. I can’t.
PARKER WELLNER: Well, Mrs. Bingum, you gave it your best shot. But I think I know her a little better than you do. You are who you are. Nothing wrong with that.
[Parker Wellner and Joe Cummings leave the room.]
JANE: Vicky… You are who you want to be. You know, some people around here, they think I’m insecure. But if I bought into that, it would only hurt me. Your husband married a strong, dignified woman, and if you don’t stand up and fight for her, then she’s lost forever.
[Vicky looks at her right pinkie that is painted with Ironic Taffy. She stands up.]
VICKY: Shoulders back… Show the rack.
[Vicky goes out of the office to the hallway and talks to her husband.]
VICKY: The dog walker, the woman he slept with… She’s my little sister. And yes, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know.
PARKER WELLNER: Vicky, listen…
VICKY: No, you listen to me! I teach our children to take responsibility for their actions. It’s time you did the same. When this goes to court, I won’t be the one who’s humiliated. (looks at Jane) I’ll need a new outfit for when I take the stand.
JOE: I think we should reconvene.
PARKER WELLNER: Joe, forget it. We’ll draw up the papers.
JANE: $2.5 million.
PARKER WELLNER: Yeah. Let’s go.
VICKY: That was amazing.
JANE: That really… It really felt… And your bluffing… Even I fell for it.
VICKY: You know what? I wasn’t bluffing.
[Jane and Vicky hug. Jane notices Grayson and Kim talking. The episode continues in Jane’s office where shy is working in her computer. Fred comes in.]
FRED: How’s your closing going? You gonna sock it to the drug company?
JANE: Why do you care?
FRED: I heard about Vicky Wellner. Congrats, but I thought you were gonna quit.
JANE: Well, I changed my mind… for now. Fred. Court’s in less than an hour, and I’ve got zip. And I can’t focus because I can’t stop thinking about Grayson. Was that some kind of cosmic joke, having us work together?
FRED: No, we don’t have that kind of control.
JANE: It’s so unfair. Grayson can grieve for Deb, but I can’t grieve for him.
FRED: I think you just found your closing, sweetie.
[The episode continues in court where Jane is speaking.]
JANE: Every minute of every day, Marcus Newsom remembers his life with Emily.
[Jane remembers a moment from her past life as Deb as she looks at Grayson. She is in a bathing suit and Grayson is holding her. They kiss.]
JANE: She was everything to him.
[She remembers another moment where they were drinking champagne and Grayson took a picture of them.]
JANE: And he was everything to her.
[She remembers another scene where she was swinging, and Grayson was pushing the swing.]
JANE: People say there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well, Marcus Newsome can’t get past his anger. He’s angry at Upland Pharmaceuticals because they ignored evidence that Zolpidem can cause hallucinations with deadly consequences. Why would they do that? Because if they told the truth, if they admitted to the risk, then consumers might think twice before popping their pills. Help Marcus Newsome get past his anger. Assess blame where it belongs. And only then can my client continue to grieve.
[The episode continues some time later in same room.]
JUDGE WILSON: Has the jury reached a verdict?
JURY FOREMAN: We have, your honor. We, the jury, find… for the plaintiff, Marcus Newsom, and award general damages in the amount of $100,000… Punitive damages in the amount of $8 million.
JUDGE WILSON: Case closed.
MARCUS: Thank you.
JANE: Thank you for believing in me.
KIM: Congratulations, Marcus.
GRAYSON: Jane. Your closing was inspired.
JANE: I hope you didn’t mind.
GRAYSON: It was a nice tribute to Deb.
[He notices her right pinkie.]
GRAYSON: This may sound funny, but… Is that Ironic Taffy?
KIM: So, Parker wants to celebrate… Gimlets at skybar?
JANE: Not me. It’s been a long day.
KIM: Grayson, you still have partners to meet.
JANE: You should go.
GRAYSON: All right. I’ll see you tomorrow.
[Jane watches as Kim and Grayson leave the court room. The episode continues in Jane’s office.]
FRED: What are you still doing here?
JANE: Where else would I be?
FRED: At home, with Stacy.
JANE: I’ll get there. Like you said, I’m comfortable here. I miss her, Fred. I know Deb may not have been the best person in the world, but I still miss her.
FRED: You’re grieving.
JANE: For myself. Does that make me self-absorbed and selfish?
FRED: No. It makes you human.